When you sleep, my light-bearer

The pen is slowly gliding along the paper and there is so much I would like to tell you. The pen is slightly scratching the thick paper of my notebook, fire in the fireplace is mildly fading away and there is a candle, flickering on my table. She is like you, her light is chasing away demons and bad dreams, creating a world of our own, world in which there is only you and me and nothing else matters. I can hear your repeating breath after breath and my heart rejoice with every beat of the one of yours.

When I was a little wicked girl, my mom already used to tell me: “Be careful what you wish for. Your wishes can always come true.” If I knew how powerful these wishes can be, I would have wish for you a long long time ago.

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It’s a full moon today. The Moon is discreetly glancing in through our open window. As if he was checking whether everything is, after ages, still in a way it should be. He greets the light of a candle, he greets the light of yours, and continues his journey through out the night sky. The house breaths out heavily, the fireplace is slowly cooling down with sinister noises and our cat lazily stretches her body. Our whole world is sleeping, although it is celebrating continuously for months.

Maybe that wishes made during the summer storms, wishes with deepest appeals and inner need in mind have their own unmistakable strength. Maybe magic exists after all and we are the living prove of its existence. How else could you explain we met in such a convenient times? How else could you possibly explain our untangled confusion of troubles of which there is only a bittersweet memory left now?

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Water drops started to dance on the dormer-window pane. Neither one of us remember a year as rainy as this one. The whole world is upside down but the nature is trying to lull us to peace with her beautiful illusion of going back to her ancient and perfect rhythm. I love to let her, after all it was always her who comforted me, made me go in awe and made me happy. You have joined her last year. And now, not only my happiness feeds yours but this beautiful illusion gives me the feeling that it feeds her as well. Her, the one we could never survive without. Our connections to the whole universe seems almost tangible.

Maybe that wishes whispered in a summer storm to the rain drops only led to the plans, plans led to action and action led to you. Whatever it is, that made my wish come true, whether it was magic, universe, faith or maybe just the two of us, knowing we belong together, it was the happiest event of my life.

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After I will blow out the candle and close the door to our bedroom, I will cuddle up to you and think about how lucky we both are. I will listen to your symmetrical breath and finally be a slightly mad that I cannot fall asleep as fast and perfect as you can.

At the end, I will finally fall asleep as well. With the knowing that only next to you I can heal all of my deep wounds. Only next to you, I don’t have to change to be whoever my surroundings just need. You need ME, exactly the way I am. You accept me with all my whims, imperfections and gifts and you are not trying to curve me or break me into someone or something else.

You are the greatest gift of the universe without even knowing it.

You are my shelter and home, freedom and support, you are everything I ever wished for.

Only with you, I can dance with the wolfes and don’t have to feel guilty about it.

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Follow the Song of the Wolves

Flash of light above the landscape that went dark a long time ago. The song of the wolves accompanies you, as if it was determining your destiny. The terrain underneath your feet is changing from moss cover into stones, from stones into boulders, from boulders into steep valleys and from valleys into sharp rocks.

As you stand on the last boulder, your foot slips aside and you are falling, you are falling and your warmth, your light alongside with you.

Your fall is ceased only by the bottom of a valley itself.

You lay there for a while, breathless, and everything seems lost. The wolf song in distance sounds different suddenly. It sounds confused. Lost. The song transforms into whining. Then stops completely.

Your light is dying, flickering as a flame of a candle in a wind.

The silence is hovering over the landscape. Frightening. Suffocating. Oppressive silence.

A blackbird shall never sing again, a bee shall never buzz again. You shall never hear her songful laughter again.

Sun shall never come up again. You shall never see the carefree smile which made your heart melt and your soul know it founded the long-lost mate.

The last wolf calling cut through the silence of a night. It should sound desperate, it should sound moving, yet the power of it cannot be resisted. One of the wolves got closer, almost within your arms reach, and he sings, sings for the last time. About hope, about trust… about home.

Then suddenly loud BUM! is heard and you draw air into your lungs.

A victorious wolf song is heard from a distance. Again. From all of the possible directions.

Your light blazes again. Not that strongly, but it blazes constantly and tirelessly.

You are standing up.

Those shadows you are surrounded with are watching you but with the light by your side they won’t dare to attack you.

Straight shoulders. Unyielding pace. Constant rhythm of your steps. No matter if you are heading up towards the clouds or steeply down into the valleys, nothing about the rate of your steps changes. Together with the wolf song you are getting closer to with every single one of your steps, they create an immortal symphony.

No one cares about the darkness around you anymore. No one cares how many demons in the dark is planning to make you their dinner tonight. As long as your light has something to burn for, no one in the world cares about them.

With every single wolf you encounter, you feel your destiny is closer and closer. She is almost within your arms reach.

Then suddenly, you approach glade at the top of one of the mountains. It is surrounded by giant boulders standing in a circle and there is an iceberg right in the middle of it. You approach it. Your light is drawn to it as if it knew far more than you or me will ever be able to grasp.

You kneel, speechless. You are not thinking about what will happen if you won’t succeed. It’s not the right time for that and you won’t allow for shadows to get this chance.

You look into the face of a woman trapped in the iceberg. A warm memory of her laughter, happiness, kisses and touches; her truth, compassion and even burdens which she carried with her and was scare to share with you because she didn’t want to lose you, runs through your mind. Your light flares up with radiant flame. Shadows abandon the circle. Finally, there is only the two of you and your warm, shiny, dazzling light coming out of your old immortal soul.

“Come back to me,” you whisper gently, as if you were already whispering into her hair. Then, you ease your posture and let the light enter into the iceberg.

The light implodes and leaves you completely blinded by the glaring blaze magnified by the ice safe case she has built around herself so tirelessly. After that, the light fades out completely.

You fall towards the earth. You are not dead, not yet. But it doesn’t matter. You did everything you could.

Shadows, demons and monsters are crawling back to you, immediately. The world has lost its light, its sounds. No one will ever hear your voiceless cry. You are drowning in an ageless never-ending darkness.

You did everything you could. Even more. And failed. Her demons won’t have mercy on you.

BAM, you can hear finally, a mighty sound resembling thunder echoing over the landscape. The shadows freeze, petrified. BAM, you hear it again. In a distance, a wolf is singing a song. The shadows gather on the edges of the stone circle.

With the third mighty beat of her heart, your light inside her iceberg starts to burn hot again. As potent as never before.

With the first outburst, the ice cracks. With the second one, it explodes and disperses to all directions, yet you are miraculously spared of its destruction. And with the third one, the world explodes.

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When your eyes finally get used to the light, you suddenly understand. Everything. The night that was said to never end ended. A bright day, white as a new list of a paper, took its place. And she is standing in front of you. In all her beauty. Shaken, yet happy.

“I think I have something that belongs to you,” she smiles bashfully, and she holds your light in her stretched arm.

You feel you can finally smile again. After what felt like a thousand years. “I will take it,” you reply after thinking it through shortly, “but only to hold it, to bear it for you every day.”

You hug her, as if it was both for the first and for the last time. “I will never let you go again,” you whisper into her hair affectionately.

She holds you tightly with her hands firmly winded around your neck and pushes herself towards you as if she would never want to let go either. “Please. Never let me,” she answers.

Positive Diary #20 – How I started to run

Running. Everyone is running. Running is the new black. 

It seemed to me like one of the signs of successful people, no matter what they were successful in. I always wanted to run but my efforts every time got me before I even started. Therefore, I also admired people who run, it’s simple: if they can overcome this suffering and sustain this pain for so long, they definitely have the stronger will then I do. And then, you know how these thoughts can spin around your head and create a personal picture of yourself, where you seem to be not focused, not strong enough and not dedicated enough. What is more dangerous, when those thoughts start to pour into other dimensions of your life, into your beliefs of your own capabilities and into your self-esteem in general. It takes more than that, of course, but it can be one of those doubting sources for pour thinking about yourself. Yeah, self-doubt is almost like my guilty pleasure.

So, you can easily imagine my surprise, when I got some nice equipment (a watch, actually) and a proper partner, and I gave it a try. And it worked. I was able to run along my personal training program and I didn’t want to die after that. Moreover, after the run and a shower, I felt as energized and powerful as almost never before. How is that even possible?

Like in many other areas of my life, I see part of the answer to this question in my own perfectionism. And stubbornness. I always thought that when I go out and aim to run, I should run for the whole time. Even for the first time. And when I had to slow down to walking so I could catch my breath, I perceived that as a weakness, as something given and unchangeable. My first and almost immediate response was: “Okay, I’m not good enough. I should stop making a joke out of myself and stop with this nonsense.” And of course, I used my stubbornness for making me actually believe that and never try it again. I could have use it to become better in running, actually, but that would be a totally different person.

I basically needed someone kind to explain me, that even running needs time to learn it properly and that my body needs training to adjust in order to reach my goal, which, let’s admit it, wasn’t exactly unreachable. Last year was one of the hardest ones, but also the luckiest one, because I have actually met this kind person and fallen in love with him. Sportsman by his heart and soul, dedicated runner. He introduced me to this idea slowly (he recognized my stubbornness too, haha) and I started to wonder, really slowly: Should I give it another try?

Another observation I made in this matter is, that you need two things: an authority to follow in your training and a way to see how you progress. I found this on a recommendation of my kind one in sport watch from Garmin. Not only they can show you how you improved physically (like how fast you run or how was your heartbeat during different stages of the run) and help you to improve your sleeping cycles or stress management, these can tailor you a nice running plan to help you accomplish your goals. For me, someone who never run properly before but prefers to not to ask anyone for professional advice, this is just revolutionary. And suddenly, I have my authority and progress, peacefully resting literally within reach of my arm.

After two weeks of running, I dare to say – running is awesome! It is good for your body, for your digestion, skin, muscles, posture and everything, but also for your soul, because you can feel super energized afterwards, have this sense of accomplishment and notion that you did something right for yourself. I start to feel my knees though, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to not to have to stop with it. Hopefully, a proper pair of shoes and a right technique will do the trick.

How about you, do you like running? Do you hate it? Any tips for hurting knees? 

Held captive.

She inhaled, deeply. Once again. The pain laying on her shoulders loosened. With the light-bearer by her side, every thought was lighter, every feeling more bearable, every nightmare survivable. Still, there were moments, glimpses of her past, memories, which held her captive inside the labyrinth of her deepest fears.

It seems like we are always drawn back, we are always held captive by our past mistakes. By our foregone attempts to live, genuinely, she thought herself.

On some days, fights were easy to win. But on other days, she was so annoyed by the amount of damage that was still present in her life that the fights were burning up her whole energy.

But it’s always a victory. Unless you stop fighting, she nodded and gave a shining smile to the light-bearer, who sat quietly next to her and carefully observed every single thought mirrored on her face.

Free.

“I just want to be free,” she whispered, “free of the pain.” And she closed her eyes and opened her palm. The moth sitting on her skin stretched its wings and took off – quietly, gently, just shimmering in the air until it got lost in the darkening night sky. 

She breathed in. The air was light, cold, watery. With the air in her lungs, her whole faith expanded.